Slack again

Nobody blogs anymore. Facebook has taken over the universe. I like the news feed - I can see what all of my 5 friends have been up to, on one handy page. Technology and laziness live together quite happily.

Have been painting. Everything. All at once. There is a curfew on painting, though. Have to stop by 4pm, or the paint I have just put on the walls, wants to slide back off in the night. Have had the last two days off, to do XC, and visit with family and some of my 5 friends.

Have loaned No.3 to my sister for a couple of days. Quite unplanned - he is existing with one pair of undies, some jeans, running shorts with inners, a T-shirt and a jumper. Probably quite happy with that - takes the effort out of getting dressed for the day. They will do domestic bits and pieces today, and he will have the fun of being "the only child" for a couple of days, with his indulgent aunty running the show.

Missed my long run this morning. Woke up, considered whether to go out to the forest, and looked at babyG's sleeping face, with her little lips pushed forward in mock-feeding sucking patterns. I let her sleep. And No.1 too, who was going to ride her mountain bike with me. So we are lazy today, after tearing around the equestrian park yesterday at XC. No.2 has a science project to finish and write up, but he is pretending it's not happening, so it's not happening.

Working tomorrow for a few hours. Totally impractical office location these days - just about impossible for two people and a baby to work together.

I'm tired. Might go and rest somewhere, while babyG naps. Will find some photos and add them later.

Girls Only

BabyG is sleeping, with the older kids also crashed out around her, so no-one has noticed that it's 6.40pm and I haven't started dinner. Been surfing the web, just cosying up this afternoon after XC.

But the real topic of this post is shopping. Took babyG and No.1 out last night, to get some gear for No.1. Problem is, she wears her hair short. This week, almost every day, she has been mistaken for a boy. It isn't bothering her in particular, except to cause her to wonder if she should, in fact, be looking more like a girl in some situations. I am more amazed at the effrontery of the people who are bold enough to comment.

Anyway, we found some lovely stuff for her. Not a small feat, as both of us can walk through the shopping complex and not see much that either of us would ever wear (running gear aside, of course). We found a black silk square-cut camisole top in CR, a beautiful knife-pleat black and brown chiffon skirt with ribbon tie (that will do very nicely for her formal), a plain white peasant blouse with a sporty look to it, a few singlets, a red hood/scarf, and new underwear. We had a great time, babyG was very indulgent to her Bissy, in spite of her headcold, and we spent about 4 hours together. The best bit, was walking to the car, when No. 1 was humming to herself "I feel pretty...". Aah, food for the mummy's soul. Will have to post photos of No.1 modelling her best threads.

Today I ran local XC, and had a resurgence of my old quandry - I don't like to race. Now, the day didn't start very well. BabyG is unwell, and I was tired. Still, we rallied, and went looking for inspirations on how to babyproof our living room. I felt dreadful, but decided to challenge my self by running XC anyway. Went along, to see the mummy who had been relegated to 2nd place when I ran a few weeks ago (my first XC of the season, while she has been happily winning prior to that), line up alongside me at the back. She took off at the start, and I didn't think about her again until I drew past her after maybe a k or so, as I ran through the pack. She proceeded to struggle along at my right shoulder, making that "hanging on" grunting sound that people make when they run hard. After a k of that, I decided to let her go past me, as having her chuffing away on my shoulder was spoiling my enjoyment of the run, and I was just wishing she would go away and let me run in peace. She didn't really make much ground after that, and finished maybe 5 sec in front of me, and didn't bother to turn and acknowledge me, although I shook hands with the man who finished next to me.

Therein lies my problem. I like to run XC, and I love to run in company with others. But I hate running with people who have made it their mission to beat me. I run, and push myself up the short hills, and try to get the fastest time out of myself, but I want to enjoy it, too. I have run with people, even people I didn't know, and we have helped each other hang on at different times in a run. This is different, there is nothing mutual in it - she sees it as her against me. I was happier to let her go in front, get the victory she was working so hard for, and be left alone to run without the constant reminder of why she was battling along at my shoulder. I suppose I can only hope she or I get a lot fitter, and then I will be free to run without being a part of her struggle. We run for different reasons, that's all.

BTW, dinner is cooking, and baby is awake :-)

Slack-ass

Yeah, yeah, I know. Where are the pictures, where are the interesting anecdotes (as if there ever were any)??? This has been a period of routine mummying. Nice, cosy family times.

I am still commuting to Syd to train my replacement. She is struggling to get the concepts of what we do, but working harder than I have ever seen someone work to learn a job. I want her to learn to do it all, and well, for her own sense of mastery. But the best learning is, in my experience, what you direct yourself to learn. Is she doing that while-ever she has me to appeal to, to solve a problem or explain something? At the same time, it is hard to learn to do something, when you don't even know what it is you need to do. So we slog on.

BabyG is crawling, but still backwards at this stage. Pulling up to her knees on people and furniture. Plopped her on the floor in an open space at Borders this evening, so I'd have time to browse a section of books before she made it to the shelves herself. Worked this time, but my time is limited. *sigh* I do love a good afternoon at the bookstore.

Observed the now-archaic ritual of Long Jump with No. 1 yesterday, and introduced babyG to the ritual at the time. Feels almost like 3 generations of women when we do things together. No.1 amazes me with her athleticism. How she can just walk onto a field, warm herself up a bit, and then jump 5m, or run 100m in 13s, after a year of not doing athletics at all, and a few more since she has trained at the disciplines. I would really like to see her as her fit, fast self, doing a 400m. 55, 56s I would think. Glad she doesn't define herself by her running, though. As a discipline to perform, I think running is exhilarating, and I think she does, too. Chasing titles, victories, is meaningless. But to exceed what you thought you could do, by effort of mind and body, is wonderful.

No.2 continues to challenge me. He wants me to set his limits, clinging to childish irresponsibility, so he can feel free to indulge in whatever misuse of time he can "get away with". I want him to set his own limits, as I am stretched in my current roles. He also knows that, and is using it to his advantage. *cue flop into exhausted heap* So this weekend I got them all to do yardwork for an hour, together, to see what they could accomplish. No. 1 enjoyed the task, has the maturity to reflect on the value of work. No. 2 only showed glimmers of the same, with a fair amount of the kind of plaintive attitude we had when our parents made us work on things as kids. TBC...

No. 3 is grooving along. Main source of complaint is the volume of his guitar practice. Yes, darling, it does sound like Jimi Hendrix / Neil Young, but it's TOO LOUD!

Out of steam.

Today I started training my replacement. Think she will turn out OK. Big knowledge gap, but she's clever, interested, industrious, and I told her I look forward to sitting with her in a year and chatting away while she works, with a cup of tea in my hand. That will be nice. Mark the date down. BabyG put in a splendiferous day in her portacot at work. Exhausted after a number of early starts and late finishes - we were up snacking on peaches (mashed for her) at 11 last night, and on the train to Sydney a few hours later.

But at the same time, I am going to have to be one clever mum when I stop working, to make the dollars cover our basic needs. What to cut out, from an already not splashy budget, will take some thinking about. I have lived like that before, and know it isn't much fun, but it seems like the right choice for me. I have worked hard while babyG was little, and she came along everywhere I went, day in and out, and we got seven months work out of the arrangement. It's time for her now. Moments like this, I really notice I'm on my own. I like my life, but it has no failsafe, no outlet, no-one to jump up and down and lament to. What works, and what doesn't work, is all my doing, and all my fault, as it happens.

This all sounds so negative. I am just - out of steam - for the moment. Angry, not at anyone, just at my situation. Not feeling empowered, or emancipated, or hopeful. Just stupid.

TBC. Meanwhile, better not be looking for me at fun runs for a bit. Who knows, though? Might all turn around next week, and have options again.

xxx

Un-

-married. Have been working on divorce stuff for the ex, who is convinced he cannot live without a certain lady in his life, who keeps after him to get a divorce. So I have written affidavits, done forms and read websites all afternoon on my day off. Good grief.

Also did some more house stuff, like sorting out baby clothes as babyG outgrows them. Some for the box of things we save for the future, and some for the Sallys, for other babies to wear before they are out of style. Beautiful day outside. Should've done a run, but sat over the computer too long, and then it was too cold to be bothered. Thank goodness I've given up the idea of running fast, or the guilt would be overwhelming. I think I am only a quasi-runner these days. Certainly not an athlete.

Ooh, but speaking of running, babyG and I did the State 10km Road on Sat. Disgustingly early start to the day, and I didn't have babysitting lined up, so:
A. We were running very late - about 4 mins before gun time. Thank you thank you so much to Uncle Dave, who got my number for me, and left it where I could get it, just in time to duck under the bunting and line up at the back, and
B. Ran the race with babyG in the stroller. She may be the only baby who has ever done a State Championship in a stroller.
But on the plus side, only lined up with the idea of going under 50min. Ran 47-low, quite easily, with stroller, despite tummy trouble through the whole race, due to early start, I think. So, I thought that was a great morning out. Missed my running friends, but they had more important things to get done with their feet on Saturday, and babyG and I were proud of them, and thought of them often during the day.

Um, what else is new. Have tried making various vegetable concoctions for babyG, but she remains a fruitarian, apart from a few spoonfuls begrudgingly taken on, to humour me. Not crawling yet, but doing the odd grub-crawl backwards, and pivoting to get stuff. Happy times. The older children are charging along with life. No. 2 deserves special mention, for his continuing care of babyG. He has the baby whispering thing down pat, and she knows it too. Their nose-on-nose cuddles are something to behold, until she grabs his nose and tries to rip it off his face. Done with love, of course.

Work tomorrow. Will see what awaits us. BabyG will be doing the reports herself, soon, and I can lie in the cot and throw the toys around, and swing in the swing with my feet in the air.

Happy days.

Happy 18th B-Day, Jac!

BabyG thanks Papa Luigi for his handmade wooden rattle. It's the goods!

Gotta be a quick typist here. On contraband computer time, as usual. I think they're trying to keep me low, making me use the Linux computer. But I find ways around them. Har-har!

BACK ON TRACK with the blog. Jac is 18 today. I think she's confused by the idea that she should stop being a confused teenager, and be an adult now. Baby, if you know when you don't have the answers, you are already on the way to finding them. We are all a bit lost sometimes. Like, I couldn't think of ways to help you observe a right-of-passage on your birthday, because I just didn't have any creative and meaningful ideas. Suppose I could have greeted you this morning with an electoral enrolment kit. Woo. You don't drink, and neither do I, so we can't observe that ritual. Perhaps today I should have skipped work, and you school, and we should have done that parkour run through the city. Don't know how babyG would have liked being strapped to my back for that. So, in the end, we have done mudcake, Chinese food, end-of-month summaries for me, and homework for you. Ha! We've found it - your path to adulthood, is doing what you are meant to be doing. Oh.
Really, though - so proud of you, No. 1. Happy Birthday.

Took some days off work a couple of weeks ago, and ran every day. Such a luxury. Ran Novice XC on Sat, 17.01 for the 4km. Nearly 2 mins slower than my best of 15.11 for the course, but I did the first 2km in 8.16, and my goal for the run was to break 18min, so - tick! Haven't run since Sun this week, as I have been getting back from work too late. Neither babyG nor I need the aggravation. So the 10km Road may be slow this Sat, but I'll just enjoy the run.

Mushy Mushy

Life has been pretty much filled with practical concerns these past weeks. Carting babyG everywhere perched on my right hip, including all day at work, is taking the last bit of youth from this old body. Of course she's worth it, and there aren't any alternatives presenting themselves (my job has been advertised, but I don't think anyone wants it!), so on with the games. It makes everything very physical, though. I don't have to calculate pace/km, or when to pick up the pace to the finish. The nature of this kind of effort, is just to keep going, keep doing what has to be done.

I find, though, when I'm slogging away, doing the doings of a mother of 4, my mind wanders far from what my hands are working at. Kind of a material / abstract juxtaposition of mummy-ness. So, I'm sitting on the floor feeding babyG her first few tastes of food, enjoying the moment with her, but at the same time, a part of my mind is wandering out the door and into many parallel universes where the whats and whys of what I'm doing right now with babyG, are being played out. Not food issues, but me, sitting on a grey carpet floor in Australia with babyG in a little green chair, on a Sunday afternoon (I think. Daylight saving always messes things up). Who is she, who will she be? What am I in all of that? What does the mix of her brothers and sister add? Her grandparents, who don't know her, and her surrogate grandparents, who adore her? Her "zia" at work, her family of thousands at St Elsewhere, all putting their own little piece into her life. It's a privileged life, to be so rich in people, from so many different countries, backgrounds, ages and beliefs. I hope she lives long and well, and grows to be a wise and loving woman.

On the silly side, I've had to consider options for moderating computer use, to enrich the lives of the rest of our mob. Plans for that are still evolving, but the discussions led to an idea that I found funny, but the kids were unsure about. I explained to No. 1, that I really prefer a more ascetic lifestyle than we currently pursue collectively. Less time online, more time in the books, more time in the garden or the bush, walking instead of using the car, etc. Just my own preferences. I pointed out to her that if I were a more domineering person, I could have forced a lot more of my ideas on my children, restricted their choices and options, so they were left with no option but do to things the way I like to do them. (Of course as parents, we all do this more than we think, but I'm talking about things that teenagers generally expect to be autonomous and self-regulating in, like TV, internet, use of leisure time).

Anyway, I came up with a game, where we each get to be the "cult leader" for a week. During each person's week, we all have to conform to their lifestyle, and the choices they make for us. Like, No. 2 might have us all scripting in Second Life, eating pizza, and neglecting our homework if it pleases us. The cult leader will have to accept responsibilty for the welfare of the rest of the family while following his/her example - the leader may have to modify their own activities, to ensure the family/household continues to function. Like, No. 2 may have to set the example of doing the laundry from start to finish, so that task is taken up by the other members of the family.

I enjoyed playing out the scenarios for each kid's week in my head. Kind of strangely, though, the kids weren't so interested. I think it's their childish selfishness, mixed with self-knowledge. They know some of what they do is not advisable or sustainable on a wider scale. They would prefer to keep the balance as it is, while they are getting away with doing what they like, because someone else is doing what they should be doing, or helping them do it, some of the time.

Lucky buggers.