Out of steam.

Today I started training my replacement. Think she will turn out OK. Big knowledge gap, but she's clever, interested, industrious, and I told her I look forward to sitting with her in a year and chatting away while she works, with a cup of tea in my hand. That will be nice. Mark the date down. BabyG put in a splendiferous day in her portacot at work. Exhausted after a number of early starts and late finishes - we were up snacking on peaches (mashed for her) at 11 last night, and on the train to Sydney a few hours later.

But at the same time, I am going to have to be one clever mum when I stop working, to make the dollars cover our basic needs. What to cut out, from an already not splashy budget, will take some thinking about. I have lived like that before, and know it isn't much fun, but it seems like the right choice for me. I have worked hard while babyG was little, and she came along everywhere I went, day in and out, and we got seven months work out of the arrangement. It's time for her now. Moments like this, I really notice I'm on my own. I like my life, but it has no failsafe, no outlet, no-one to jump up and down and lament to. What works, and what doesn't work, is all my doing, and all my fault, as it happens.

This all sounds so negative. I am just - out of steam - for the moment. Angry, not at anyone, just at my situation. Not feeling empowered, or emancipated, or hopeful. Just stupid.

TBC. Meanwhile, better not be looking for me at fun runs for a bit. Who knows, though? Might all turn around next week, and have options again.

xxx

Un-

-married. Have been working on divorce stuff for the ex, who is convinced he cannot live without a certain lady in his life, who keeps after him to get a divorce. So I have written affidavits, done forms and read websites all afternoon on my day off. Good grief.

Also did some more house stuff, like sorting out baby clothes as babyG outgrows them. Some for the box of things we save for the future, and some for the Sallys, for other babies to wear before they are out of style. Beautiful day outside. Should've done a run, but sat over the computer too long, and then it was too cold to be bothered. Thank goodness I've given up the idea of running fast, or the guilt would be overwhelming. I think I am only a quasi-runner these days. Certainly not an athlete.

Ooh, but speaking of running, babyG and I did the State 10km Road on Sat. Disgustingly early start to the day, and I didn't have babysitting lined up, so:
A. We were running very late - about 4 mins before gun time. Thank you thank you so much to Uncle Dave, who got my number for me, and left it where I could get it, just in time to duck under the bunting and line up at the back, and
B. Ran the race with babyG in the stroller. She may be the only baby who has ever done a State Championship in a stroller.
But on the plus side, only lined up with the idea of going under 50min. Ran 47-low, quite easily, with stroller, despite tummy trouble through the whole race, due to early start, I think. So, I thought that was a great morning out. Missed my running friends, but they had more important things to get done with their feet on Saturday, and babyG and I were proud of them, and thought of them often during the day.

Um, what else is new. Have tried making various vegetable concoctions for babyG, but she remains a fruitarian, apart from a few spoonfuls begrudgingly taken on, to humour me. Not crawling yet, but doing the odd grub-crawl backwards, and pivoting to get stuff. Happy times. The older children are charging along with life. No. 2 deserves special mention, for his continuing care of babyG. He has the baby whispering thing down pat, and she knows it too. Their nose-on-nose cuddles are something to behold, until she grabs his nose and tries to rip it off his face. Done with love, of course.

Work tomorrow. Will see what awaits us. BabyG will be doing the reports herself, soon, and I can lie in the cot and throw the toys around, and swing in the swing with my feet in the air.

Happy days.

Happy 18th B-Day, Jac!

BabyG thanks Papa Luigi for his handmade wooden rattle. It's the goods!

Gotta be a quick typist here. On contraband computer time, as usual. I think they're trying to keep me low, making me use the Linux computer. But I find ways around them. Har-har!

BACK ON TRACK with the blog. Jac is 18 today. I think she's confused by the idea that she should stop being a confused teenager, and be an adult now. Baby, if you know when you don't have the answers, you are already on the way to finding them. We are all a bit lost sometimes. Like, I couldn't think of ways to help you observe a right-of-passage on your birthday, because I just didn't have any creative and meaningful ideas. Suppose I could have greeted you this morning with an electoral enrolment kit. Woo. You don't drink, and neither do I, so we can't observe that ritual. Perhaps today I should have skipped work, and you school, and we should have done that parkour run through the city. Don't know how babyG would have liked being strapped to my back for that. So, in the end, we have done mudcake, Chinese food, end-of-month summaries for me, and homework for you. Ha! We've found it - your path to adulthood, is doing what you are meant to be doing. Oh.
Really, though - so proud of you, No. 1. Happy Birthday.

Took some days off work a couple of weeks ago, and ran every day. Such a luxury. Ran Novice XC on Sat, 17.01 for the 4km. Nearly 2 mins slower than my best of 15.11 for the course, but I did the first 2km in 8.16, and my goal for the run was to break 18min, so - tick! Haven't run since Sun this week, as I have been getting back from work too late. Neither babyG nor I need the aggravation. So the 10km Road may be slow this Sat, but I'll just enjoy the run.

Mushy Mushy

Life has been pretty much filled with practical concerns these past weeks. Carting babyG everywhere perched on my right hip, including all day at work, is taking the last bit of youth from this old body. Of course she's worth it, and there aren't any alternatives presenting themselves (my job has been advertised, but I don't think anyone wants it!), so on with the games. It makes everything very physical, though. I don't have to calculate pace/km, or when to pick up the pace to the finish. The nature of this kind of effort, is just to keep going, keep doing what has to be done.

I find, though, when I'm slogging away, doing the doings of a mother of 4, my mind wanders far from what my hands are working at. Kind of a material / abstract juxtaposition of mummy-ness. So, I'm sitting on the floor feeding babyG her first few tastes of food, enjoying the moment with her, but at the same time, a part of my mind is wandering out the door and into many parallel universes where the whats and whys of what I'm doing right now with babyG, are being played out. Not food issues, but me, sitting on a grey carpet floor in Australia with babyG in a little green chair, on a Sunday afternoon (I think. Daylight saving always messes things up). Who is she, who will she be? What am I in all of that? What does the mix of her brothers and sister add? Her grandparents, who don't know her, and her surrogate grandparents, who adore her? Her "zia" at work, her family of thousands at St Elsewhere, all putting their own little piece into her life. It's a privileged life, to be so rich in people, from so many different countries, backgrounds, ages and beliefs. I hope she lives long and well, and grows to be a wise and loving woman.

On the silly side, I've had to consider options for moderating computer use, to enrich the lives of the rest of our mob. Plans for that are still evolving, but the discussions led to an idea that I found funny, but the kids were unsure about. I explained to No. 1, that I really prefer a more ascetic lifestyle than we currently pursue collectively. Less time online, more time in the books, more time in the garden or the bush, walking instead of using the car, etc. Just my own preferences. I pointed out to her that if I were a more domineering person, I could have forced a lot more of my ideas on my children, restricted their choices and options, so they were left with no option but do to things the way I like to do them. (Of course as parents, we all do this more than we think, but I'm talking about things that teenagers generally expect to be autonomous and self-regulating in, like TV, internet, use of leisure time).

Anyway, I came up with a game, where we each get to be the "cult leader" for a week. During each person's week, we all have to conform to their lifestyle, and the choices they make for us. Like, No. 2 might have us all scripting in Second Life, eating pizza, and neglecting our homework if it pleases us. The cult leader will have to accept responsibilty for the welfare of the rest of the family while following his/her example - the leader may have to modify their own activities, to ensure the family/household continues to function. Like, No. 2 may have to set the example of doing the laundry from start to finish, so that task is taken up by the other members of the family.

I enjoyed playing out the scenarios for each kid's week in my head. Kind of strangely, though, the kids weren't so interested. I think it's their childish selfishness, mixed with self-knowledge. They know some of what they do is not advisable or sustainable on a wider scale. They would prefer to keep the balance as it is, while they are getting away with doing what they like, because someone else is doing what they should be doing, or helping them do it, some of the time.

Lucky buggers.

Arr-harr!!

Is No. 1 happy? Mm-hmm. Although she was not re-examined by "The Terminator", which she feels slightly lessens her triumph, she has the Ps.

Sorry blog-readers - babyG is waiting for me to finish blogging before I even had a chance to log in.

This is not really a post, just an update. Have been working, gardening, reading, mothering, running (thanks to Paul for help chopping up my old shoes, I am loose on the roads again in something other than sandals). Things I have not been doing, include mopping floors, painting the walls I prepped over a month ago, cooking (the oven blew up last week, to join the grill and 2/4 hotplates in not functioning), mowing the lawn (hmm, just never quite get to it), and blogging.

Joined Facebook this week, for the sole purpose of seeing/hearing news of friend's baby girl (so pretty!). The concept of the facebook, the networks, the swapping of permissions, the ridiculous updates that get posted while I am trying to work out how to get it to save my educational institution, are all ringing slightly strangely in my head. Perhaps I am less of a visual person than I thought - I would rather read what you thought about something, than see pictures of it. Children are the exception, of course. I'm sure I will need to revisit this assertion in the future - there are of course times when you have to see to understand, but for everyday, it will do. For me, the Blog is 1000 times better than the Facebook.

The kiddies continue to grow, and learn all sorts of nifty stuff. I am interested in the concept of discipline at the moment. Not spanking, or the threat of, but the development of self-discipline in kids, and their ability to override impulse. Why some kids are self-regulating in things they do, to a much greater extent, and at a younger age, than others. What does the framework of their values really look like to them, and how did they get it? Don't think I can have these Qs answered, but I am thinking ab. them nonetheless.

OK, must go wash No. 4 - her nightly ritual of indulgence - she is the only family member who gets to luxuriate in a bath, due to water constraints, even if her bath is the handbasin :-).

Knivago onyacomputa?

I have to line up to be allowed to use one of the Windows computers these days. Because games and browsing are so much more important than blogging. Well they can pay me back by minding babyG while I quickly put a bit on this blog.

Seems like I have done much watching of running, and v. little running myself. Did a bit of backwards running last week, barefoot on grass, as my heel was too sore to accommodate a shoe. Felt good, didn't stir things up as much as a "traditional" forward run would have. Might have to become a way of life. Maybe one can adapt - bit like the upside down glasses experiments.

Watched the Striders 10k at North Head, and then the 6FT. Spent the time in excellent company with Kit, Bek and babyC, so it was a nice time (and I wish now I'd had the energy to take a pic of the babies together :-(.
It is hard to watch running, when not running, though. I don't think that changes, unless one becomes a mad-keen kayaker, or something.

Managing work OK. Could chuck the whole thing in for 20c. Will have to explore the VPN possibilities. I am too exhausted to keep going. The kiddies continue to do well, but I still do the mummy thing of picking up where they are slack, which leaves very little time for what I need to get through. No. 1 is needing time, having to contemplate what she is doing, where she is headed, and what she wants to do along the way. Day off tomorrow, to do a few things. And while feeding babyG, I have been reading my way through a great book by Sally Sara called "Gogo Mama". A must-read for anyone who doubts the worth of foreign aid projects. How different, and how tough life can be in some countries. Purely by accident of birth - in other respects, these women could be me, and I them.

Sorry this is such a disjointed post. It just is, OK? Maybe I should have called it "Fragments".

As usual, more piccies. Of babyG's first visit with my side of the family :-)


PS. Went for a 4km run this evening while Jac played touch. Ran forwards (!) in my sports sandals, including two laps of the velodrome, anticlockwise - good for the joints in the heel that is worst, mobilising effect. Still good today, but Jac's Achilles is playing up. Genetics.

Catch up time

Now babyG, just hold this apple for me...

Gotta be quick here. Things to do. Kiddies are good. Work is putting pressure on me to step out of the mummy role, and back into the office manager role. Kind of an out-of-sight, out-of-mind thing for them, as far as the baby is concerned. The older children already don't exist to them, and with a little more effort, neither will babyG. To their enormous credit, they have been wonderful to work for. But I no longer fit the neat job description I carved for myself with the last few years of work. I need to renegotiate what I can and cannot do for them, that's all.

Haven't been getting much running in. Haglund's is quite as bad as ever on the right heel, takes a few days of recovery from even the simplest of runs to even contemplate running on it again, always running with a limp now. Oh well. Will toddle on. Managed to hold challenges in sprinting from Jac off until she was about, um, 11, I think it was. Grete will be past me in half that, I think.

Tired and grumpy today. Fortunately only babyG and me here, so no-one is noticing. Except ppl reading the blog, of course :-).

Catch you later.