Monday, May 26, 2008

Out of steam.

Today I started training my replacement. Think she will turn out OK. Big knowledge gap, but she's clever, interested, industrious, and I told her I look forward to sitting with her in a year and chatting away while she works, with a cup of tea in my hand. That will be nice. Mark the date down. BabyG put in a splendiferous day in her portacot at work. Exhausted after a number of early starts and late finishes - we were up snacking on peaches (mashed for her) at 11 last night, and on the train to Sydney a few hours later.

But at the same time, I am going to have to be one clever mum when I stop working, to make the dollars cover our basic needs. What to cut out, from an already not splashy budget, will take some thinking about. I have lived like that before, and know it isn't much fun, but it seems like the right choice for me. I have worked hard while babyG was little, and she came along everywhere I went, day in and out, and we got seven months work out of the arrangement. It's time for her now. Moments like this, I really notice I'm on my own. I like my life, but it has no failsafe, no outlet, no-one to jump up and down and lament to. What works, and what doesn't work, is all my doing, and all my fault, as it happens.

This all sounds so negative. I am just - out of steam - for the moment. Angry, not at anyone, just at my situation. Not feeling empowered, or emancipated, or hopeful. Just stupid.

TBC. Meanwhile, better not be looking for me at fun runs for a bit. Who knows, though? Might all turn around next week, and have options again.


Thursday, May 8, 2008


-married. Have been working on divorce stuff for the ex, who is convinced he cannot live without a certain lady in his life, who keeps after him to get a divorce. So I have written affidavits, done forms and read websites all afternoon on my day off. Good grief.

Also did some more house stuff, like sorting out baby clothes as babyG outgrows them. Some for the box of things we save for the future, and some for the Sallys, for other babies to wear before they are out of style. Beautiful day outside. Should've done a run, but sat over the computer too long, and then it was too cold to be bothered. Thank goodness I've given up the idea of running fast, or the guilt would be overwhelming. I think I am only a quasi-runner these days. Certainly not an athlete.

Ooh, but speaking of running, babyG and I did the State 10km Road on Sat. Disgustingly early start to the day, and I didn't have babysitting lined up, so:
A. We were running very late - about 4 mins before gun time. Thank you thank you so much to Uncle Dave, who got my number for me, and left it where I could get it, just in time to duck under the bunting and line up at the back, and
B. Ran the race with babyG in the stroller. She may be the only baby who has ever done a State Championship in a stroller.
But on the plus side, only lined up with the idea of going under 50min. Ran 47-low, quite easily, with stroller, despite tummy trouble through the whole race, due to early start, I think. So, I thought that was a great morning out. Missed my running friends, but they had more important things to get done with their feet on Saturday, and babyG and I were proud of them, and thought of them often during the day.

Um, what else is new. Have tried making various vegetable concoctions for babyG, but she remains a fruitarian, apart from a few spoonfuls begrudgingly taken on, to humour me. Not crawling yet, but doing the odd grub-crawl backwards, and pivoting to get stuff. Happy times. The older children are charging along with life. No. 2 deserves special mention, for his continuing care of babyG. He has the baby whispering thing down pat, and she knows it too. Their nose-on-nose cuddles are something to behold, until she grabs his nose and tries to rip it off his face. Done with love, of course.

Work tomorrow. Will see what awaits us. BabyG will be doing the reports herself, soon, and I can lie in the cot and throw the toys around, and swing in the swing with my feet in the air.

Happy days.